Your face is a jimmy john
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
