my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
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I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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