When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
