I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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