New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
