I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the day after is always just damage control
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
