dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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