Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
