She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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