I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
