he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
