Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We got so high we made milksteak
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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