and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
