Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
