I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
