Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
