Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
