Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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