Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
