Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize