I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
