tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
