Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
