he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
