so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
