Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
