I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
