i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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