i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You've changed since you got that strap on
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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