The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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