The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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