Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
