u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Green mimosas i think yes
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
