no, he came in my armpit
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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