It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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