I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
