I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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