My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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