dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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