Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
