he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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