apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
