I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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