i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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