My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
