just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
