He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She told me I should be a condom model.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
