i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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