I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
