just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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