The beer is more important than you right now.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
