tell your sister to shave her snatch
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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