Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
