what day is it and did you see me today?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
