I just saw a hot homeless man
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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