uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
