My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
