I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
