You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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