I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
