We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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