that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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