You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
