thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
